I haven’t been diagnosed with this Social anxiety disorder but is this what it is or something else..:

Is it when you (examples from personal experience):
*Stay indoors out of fear of going out
*Think people can read your thoughts if you’re around people
*Can’t mentally cope with being out in town/city
*Have panic attacks when outside especially when it’s crowded
*Fear people are out to hurt you, like everyone is a suspect and hates you
*Physically can’t go out the door, you freeze up and feel like you’re going to cry
*You hear voices outside the window and have to keep them closed because people might try and come in, and you have to cover the window up with towels so nobody can spy on you (I had no curtains in the flat so had to keep them covered with towels)
*Can’t bear any light, sound or anything from outside entering the flat/house
*If you’re in public place or at a restaurant you feel like everybody is looking at you and thinking “Why is she here? Who does she think she is trying to be like us?”

I had all these problems when out of hospital it’s probably why I go crazy out there. I used to stay curled up on sofa bed thinking the police or intruders would break down my door any second was living in fear. And every time somebody was going past and talking loudly or laughing I knew it was directed at me and got really scared, thought a brick was going to go flying through the window. The only time I ever really went out were when I needed shopping, the shop was near so it was a quick dash there and dash back but there was ALWAYS somebody who laughed at me or made a comment or stared and I would burst into tears as soon as I got in.

Is this considered social anxiety disorder? My psych doesn’t really know about how I lived like this only my mother does and some support workers. It’s just the sort of thing I don’t like to talk about to the doctors in case they think am stupid or anything.

Somebody please say if they relate to this at all?

On may 20th, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) , together with the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder , sponsored a congressional briefing on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Several prestigious mental health experts, including Thomas Insel, M.D., director of the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and John Oldan, M.D., president-elect of the American Psychiatric Association (APA) , articulated the tremendous challenge of living with the disorder and seeking treatment.

NAMI Executive Director, Michael Fitzpatrick, explained that “borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness that can cause a lot of suffering, carries a significant risk of suicide and requires an accurate diagnosis along with targeted treatment.”

“We know that treatment works, but too often stigma discourages people with mental illness from getting the help that they need. Untreated mental illness has significant personal, social and economic implications. We urge Congress to increase funding of research, treatment and services for those living with BPD and their families.”

Inspired by another interesting article on BPD Family, I have decided to share some insight into why I behaved the way I did in previous romantic relationships.

It’s funny that my non-borderline partners feel like they are under attack because I feel the same way. A lot of what I have done, I did in self-defense to protect myself from some perceived threat. I’ll be the first to step up to the confessional and admit that what I did was irrational. Here are several behaviors I have displayed in romantic relationships and the reasoning behind them:

• Broken a gift you gave me, on purpose. I did this because sometimes I get filled with a rage that is hard to control. You may have hurt my feelings, when I’m upset I get destructive. Weird as it sounds, destroying things you give me hurts my feelings too. I may have felt a strong sense of self-hatred and may have desired to inflict some emotional pain on myself too.
• Crushed on and flirted with several other people at a time. I have a short attention span and people intrigue me. I’m not planning to hook-up with any of them so what’s the problem? I love you, you know that.
• Said some of the most cut throat things you’ve ever heard. I felt hurt and I was retaliating, I am used to chaos and things were just too smooth, or I am playing mind games to see if you really love me.

Ever notice how the lack of and/or too much sleep can be indicative of problems to come? Too much sleep, for me, indicates my best friend depression is trying for an unwelcome visit. Lack of sleep can also indicate the same thing and can cause anxiety and agitation as well. This week I have done damage to my sleep schedule and I can’t help but think it’s due to the impending depression. It seems like at least once a year, I have to fall into this horrible dark place, go to the hospital for a few days, and then come home and rebuild.

The only issue is this, I can’t go to the hospital again. I can’t afford to. This further depresses me. I can’t afford to slip into that horrible, dark cocoon of an existence. I have to fight it.

I was never a big fan of Tori Amos in middle school or high school. I remember many girls my age being really obsessed with her and I didn’t get it. I get it now.

One of the best purchases I’ve ever made was the “Welcome to Sunny FL” DVD. I can’t recall how many times I had it on loop but let’s just say, it didn’t leave the DVD player for several months. I’m sure I annoyed the hell out of everyone in the house.

If I ever got the glorious moment to meet Tori Amos (and I didn’t pass out, faint, freeze up, etc.) I would like to share with her how much her music has meant to me. She’s far surpassed the “music I like to listen to” area straight into “musical obsession and addiction”. Unluckily, I’ve never seen her live but I am keeping hope alive.

Many of us like to rely on music and other forms of art to help us escape the troubles and pains in life. I have always been able to put on my headphones and lie in the dark as opposed to meditating. I don’t have the ability to drown out sounds around me in order to focus, so music is my substitute.

When I was going through a horrible depressive time, about 3 years ago, and I was utterly hopeless, I listened to Tori, Bjork, Sigur Ros, and other calming bands to help me cope. After finding out what Tori has been through in her life, I feel an invisible sort of connection with her. She speaks to all of us that have dealt with horrible feelings and emotions because she too has dealt with her own.

What music gets you through your darkest times? If it’s not music, what other coping skills have you learned?

” Express empathy for client’s difficulties (feeling inadequate or incompetent) through unconditional positive regard, warm acceptance, and reflective listening.” – taken from The Personality Disorders Treatment Planner by Neal R. Bockian and Arthur E. Jongsma

Hmm, how to phrase my connection to this statement? I’ll try my best I guess.

This is what has been lacking in my life since, well, forever. Can you imagine the damage it has done? If I had to pick one event or thing to pinpoint as the reasoning behind my mental issues, this would probably be it. Not the molestation, not the traumatic fire; this. When you have something you feel is important turned down or ignored, it burns. When you’re an overly emotional child like I was, it burned and left a deep scar. To this day, when this happens to me, I can’t handle it. I freak out and want to hide forever. Acceptance, let alone “warm acceptance”, has never been a part of my life.

What confuses me more is how am I able to be the exact opposite of my mother in this regard? I feel I am one of the most caring and attentive people out there. Maybe I’m not, I don’t know. What do you think?